we're chasing vodka with high fives
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
