They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
