This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
