If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
