There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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