I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
