she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
