I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
