Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
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this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
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I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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