Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
