I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
