I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
its not stalking. its research.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
