life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
