My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
