Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
