Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize