I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
