I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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