So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
