I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
