oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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