Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Sext me about skeletons
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
