Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
