i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
