Joe is yelling at the trees again.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
