I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
