we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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