Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
