If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
