He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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