i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
