is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
