Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
