omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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