I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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