I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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