We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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