Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
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He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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