Do you still have your period?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
