Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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