I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
