Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
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I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize