Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
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