Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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