Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
