We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
