Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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