he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
