I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
