I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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