And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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