he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
