I wish they made helmets for livers.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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