If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
