I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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