Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
