I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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