Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
