Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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