I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
