Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I AM VODKA MAN
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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